Cotton Candy Armageddon
by Rheyne and Paladin
Summary: Hiei has been captured. Two of Spirit World's most closely guarded treasures have been stolen. Who other than THE High Mary Sue and her minions can be responsible?


**Cotton Candy Armageddon**

**Disclaimer:** We do not claim to own Kurama...or any other part of Yu Yu Hakusho. There's only lint in our pockets. Sue us and die.

_Rheyne's notes:_ Blah blah. So here, the brainchild of myself and Paladin. It's a deranged world we live in, thus, it is our duty to spread the deranged-ness. Can you guess there are no lights on up here ::points at head::? Before you shoot me, I'll shut up. Ok there...oh and umm, Kuwabara fans may want to skip a few parts...beware the power that is TEH Mary Sue!

_Paladin's notes:_ Well, here it is. The first joint effort by Roentgen Ray Rheyne and the Noble Paladin, so read wisely. There is randomness everywhere, hidden always, and if you're not too careful you'll get caught by the Mary Sue. Beyond which, we pray for ya. So strap on your hard hats, people, the ride has begun.

**Chapter 1: The First Capture**

It was a dark and stormy night. Most people were in their homes, or in some cases at the local tavern; so drunk that the 70-year old barkeep with horrendous hygiene began to appear attractive to them. The few that were on the streets were likely homeless, rummaging through trash bins looking for food; even a two week old egg salad that resembled some monster from an old B movie that is only on at three in the morning on a local TV channel would please them.

However, we don't quite give a flying fish about those people.

A short figure stood on tiptoes, atop the highest skyscraper in the vicinity, graceful like a ballerina in a pink tutu, but not nearly as perky, nor did he have a pink tutu on. His black and white hair styled in a most unusual way stood on end in a way not dissimilar to a comet. He's form was exclusively adorned in black, down to the discreetly hidden dragon on his left arm, which was giving him the finger; but that's hardly relevant.

The freakishly diminutive demon crossed his arms and looked haughtily on the city with his red eyes, cold as a cucumber, and took off his headband to reveal a slit on his forehead.

"Now, Jagan, show me the path to that which I desire."

The Jagan Eye opened fully, in all its venom green glory it twitched and writhed, as if it had a mind of its own, and the owner switched his vision to the demonic eyeball that occupied the center of his forehead.

A curtain of blurred red hung on his vision and there appeared no evidence of his target, until the demon, whom we call Hiei, remembered a crucial detail. Cursing under his breath he reached into his pocket to pull out the item he required to aid him in his search-- a black lens, and slapped it onto the Jagan.

"Goddamn half-price sale. A human could've installed this thing better; at least they would tell me if the product needs contacts."

Hiei let the lens slip in, and a hint of a smirk appeared at the corner of his lips as the gruesome addition to his body found what he was looking for, right there in the local museum.

"Hn. Foolish humans."

With a sadistic grin he leaped forward, jumping from building to building as his speed increased. Even at his velocity it would take him a while to get across the city. But he had a bit of fun along the path there; getting some satisfaction as a group of little children broke into frightened tears. He was sure they'd tell their parents about the flying goth from Munchkin Land, and they'd probably end up confined in an insane asylum and in the safety of the white padded walls, they'd probably spend the rest of their days writing mediocre poetry about metaphysics and such other nonsense.

Mentally, he reminded himself to mark off another item on his to-do list: traumatizing obnoxious brats--check.

Within a few minutes Hiei stood outside the museum, wondering how to enter. The entire place appeared to be locked up as well it should be. On every door stood a security guard, and even near the windows somebody stood, alert and ready to attack should the need arise. The only possible route seemed to be through those guards.

Observing and analyzing his environment carefully, silently and swiftly, Hiei charged the front door, entering without anybody outside the museum noticing. However, one of the inside a guard had noticed Hiei and was fully prepared with his firearm to pull the trigger. But before he could fire, in the blink of an eye, Hiei had removed his contact lens and flicked it at the general direction of the plump guard's eyes. Within moments, the guard was on the floor, out cold for the night.

Congratulating himself for his brilliant thinking, Hiei smirked and made his way toward his ultimate prize, the object of his desire, his eyes glistening with greed and lust.

"Finally, after all this time I have found the greatest treasure of mankind. A treasure so incredibly priceless that it would take all of Spirit World's net worth to buy a mere ounce of it. But now it is all mine." He almost added the routine maniacal mad-villain laughter, but refrained; the better part of his mind reminding him the guards may hear him and come to separate him from his precious.

And there it was, laying in a pink vase the size of a cauldron: the world's greatest ice cream sundae.

"Come to me, sweet snow!"

And forcing all thoughts of safety and such into oblivion, Hiei planted his face into the bowl and began inhaling the ice cream as if tomorrow were doomsday. Devouring every last topping and gram of flavor until he could eat no more, and satisfied he lay down on the ground, strangely drowsy.

"I think I'll just lie here a while..." He yawned unceremoniously, suddenly overcome with an unfamiliar sensation. "Wait, I can't move. Damn it, I'm like a fucking statue! What the hell?!" But try as he might, Hiei could not bring his muscles to move the slightest. A knot of anxiety began forming in the pit of his stomach as an ominous feeling crept to his mind, and the knot only twisted and twisted more as he continued to attempt to shake off the strange feeling and get up.

"Arrgh. Damn this body, what good is it if it can't even friggin move!" Frustrated with his inability to do as he pleased Hiei continued to fidget on the floor helplessly; too much pride he had to allow himself to shout for assistance.

Suddenly, the ever clever Jagan picked up a presence so horrible mere adjectives of the English language fail to describe it. And his vision suddenly was clouded with a whir of blonde first, then brunette, then red, then silver, then amethyst, then raven black. Confusion engulfed his senses momentarily and all there was, was pink. As he slowly recovered from the haze, the bodies became clearer, and they were excellent in that regard.

In fact, the people themselves seemed like that. Perfect--an hourglass figure, curves at all the right places, full luscious lips, mysterious eyes, aristocratic cheekbones, silky hair...just...perfect.

"Oh no..." Hiei whispered into the night, his shallow breathing resonating against the stone walls of the museum chamber interrupting the rhythm of silence.

The mysterious group stepped into the silvery light of the full moon that poured in through the giant glass windows. Before Hiei could fully comprehend the circumstances, a flash of pink devoured him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

_Rheyne's notes (again):_ Hope you've enjoyed yourselves. Do tell us of your thoughts. Trust us, we love feedback. Thank you much for reading, and hope to have you back for the next installment (reviews mean updates).


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